my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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