the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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