I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
