You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
