last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
