I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
