i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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