No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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