We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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