two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
