wake up i wanna do it froggy style
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
