Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
