My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
