Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
