My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
