I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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