Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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