apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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