i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
