return my video game
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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