I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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