listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
