I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
