You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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