i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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