i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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