I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
