So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
