I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
