She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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