I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
