My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
