We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
