Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
