sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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