So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
