Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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