Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Randomize
