: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
