True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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