Can Purell be used as lube?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
