there's paper in my vomit.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
