Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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