OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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