Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
