i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
