something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
