Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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