We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
