Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
