just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
