I accidentally burped into my bong.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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