I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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