just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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